Looking after yourself while trying to conceive

Trying for a baby can make sex feel like a task on a timetable. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) notes that some people find tracking their fertile days causes stress they don’t need. It also says the stress of trying can make sex less satisfying and less frequent. If that’s happening to you, bring it up when you talk about trying.

You might want company, privacy, practical help or a break from talking about it. Start with what would make this week easier. You don’t have to turn every feeling into a problem to solve.

What we know about stress and fertility

ASRM says it’s not clear how stress affects fertility. The UK’s Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) looks at people having fertility treatment. It says there is no conclusive evidence that stress changes the results of treatment. Feeling anxious doesn’t mean you caused the problem or ruined your chances.

Feeling overwhelmed is reason enough to ask for support. You don’t have to add “feel calm” to your to-do list.

Talk about the schedule as well as sex

If timing is adding pressure, say so. Fertility guidance accepts that timing sex around your fertile days can add strain. Ask your clinician how flexible you can be, especially if you’re following a treatment plan.

With a partner, try talking at a time when you’re not deciding whether to have sex. You could say, “I want us to keep trying, but I’m finding the schedule hard.” Ask what you each want from being close, including time together that has nothing to do with trying.

Agree what you want to share. You might want help remembering appointments but prefer to keep test results private. After an appointment, one of you may want to talk while the other needs time to think. Ask each other directly rather than guessing.

Put boundaries around other people’s questions

Have a sentence ready that you can use without explaining: “We’ll share news when we want to,” or “I’d rather talk about something else today.” You can choose who gets updates, and change your mind later.

Think about what you want from online spaces too. You might mute a discussion, leave a group or ask a friend to check in with you privately. Choose how much you take in. You don’t have to feel happy about other people’s news every time.

Find support that fits

For some people, family and friends are enough. Others find it helps to talk with a counsellor or someone who has been through fertility problems themselves. HFEA guidance describes both, including counselling on your own or with a partner.

In the UK, clinics licensed by the HFEA must offer you a chance to talk to a counsellor before treatment. Some clinics charge for this, so ask what’s included. The HFEA also points to Fertility Action and the Donor Conception Network as support groups. Ask your clinic what support might suit you.

In the US, a primary care clinician can help you find a mental health professional. Elsewhere, ask your local doctor about counselling and fertility support. When choosing a counsellor, ask about their experience with fertility worries and any costs.

When feelings need more help

Call 999 now in the UK or 911 in the US, or your local emergency number, if a life is at risk or you can’t keep yourself or someone else safe.

If you’re having suicidal thoughts or need urgent mental health support, contact an urgent GP service now in the UK. In England, you can also call NHS 111 now and choose the mental health option. In the US, call or text 988 now. Elsewhere, contact your local urgent mental health service now.

Book a GP appointment in the UK, or see your doctor in the US or elsewhere, if sadness or anxiety doesn’t lift and is getting in the way of daily life. Describe how it affects you in your own words. You can ask for help before you know what to call it.

In the UK, you can also call Samaritans free on 116 123, at any time, to talk about what you’re going through.