Sex and relationships after a birth

There’s no set date when you have to start having sex again after a birth. You may feel sore, tired or just not interested for a while. You may want to be close without having sex.

Talk about what feels right

If you have a partner, talk about any worries before you try having sex again. You may be worried about pain, changes to your body or getting pregnant again. Your partner may have worries too. Say what you’d like to try and what you don’t want.

Being close can mean touching, cuddling or sexual activity without penetration. The NHS suggests taking things gently and making time to relax together. Being affectionate doesn’t have to lead to sex. Be clear about the kind of closeness you want.

Dryness can continue while breastfeeding

Changes in your hormones after giving birth can make the vagina feel drier. While you’re breastfeeding, lower oestrogen levels can add to this. If dryness makes sex uncomfortable, a water-based lubricant and more time to get aroused may help. Ask a pharmacist if you’re not sure which product to use.

Your breasts may leak milk during sex. The US Office on Women’s Health suggests feeding or expressing some milk beforehand, and keeping a towel nearby if you’d like. Do whatever makes you comfortable.

Pause if sex hurts

Say if penetration hurts, and stop rather than carrying on with something painful. You can choose another kind of touch or stop altogether. The NHS advises talking about pain that carries on at your postnatal check. You can also ask for help with worries about sex before then.

For pain during sex that is frequent or severe, ACOG advises seeing an obstetrician-gynaecologist (often called an ob-gyn in the US) or another healthcare professional. Tell them where it hurts and what happens when you try. You can ask what they want to check and what help there is before you agree to the next step.

Call 999 now (UK) or 911 (US), or your local emergency number, for pain in your pelvis that is severe or getting worse, or comes with feeling faint, fainting or heavy vaginal bleeding.

Get urgent medical help today from your maternity team, GP or NHS 111 (UK), or your doctor or urgent care service (US and elsewhere), for pain in your pelvis with fever, shivering or unusual vaginal discharge.

Discuss contraception before periods return

You can get pregnant 3 weeks after a birth, even while breastfeeding and before your periods come back. If you don’t want another pregnancy, talk about contraception before you have sex that could lead to pregnancy. Don’t assume breastfeeding alone will stop you getting pregnant.

Some methods can be used straight after birth. For others, you need to wait, or have a clinician check that they suit you. In the UK, a midwife, GP or sexual health clinic can talk through your options. Elsewhere, ask your doctor. Mention that you’re breastfeeding, and ask when your chosen method starts to work.

Talk about practical support too

A new baby can put a strain on relationships, because you’re tired and have less time together. If you have a partner, talk about what you need, and share out the housework and childcare. Saying “I need you to take over this job” is often clearer than hoping someone notices.

Leave room for support from friends and family too. Tell them what kind of help would be useful. If you’re bringing up your baby without a partner, you could ask a friend to visit or a relative to take on a practical job. For example, you could ask for help with a meal rather than a visit where you have to play host. Say what you’d welcome, what you want to do yourself and when you need some quiet.

Get help with pain or relationship worries

Book an appointment with your GP or health visitor in the UK, or your doctor or midwife in the US and elsewhere, for pain that carries on or worries about being close. Relationship counselling is another option if you’d like help talking through problems together.

Call 999 now (UK) or 911 (US), or your local emergency number, if you or your baby are in immediate danger.

If a relationship involves sexual, emotional or physical abuse, talk to a doctor, midwife or health visitor for help. You can talk about your own safety and support without involving your partner.