Consent and healthy relationships

Saying yes to a kiss doesn’t mean agreeing to every kind of sexual contact that might follow. Consent is about the particular thing that’s happening. You can change your mind and take it back, even after sex has started.

A yes in the past, saying nothing, or being married doesn’t mean you consent now. Neither does going along with sex because you feel you have to. If you’re the one starting things, ask, and leave room for an answer. Don’t argue, bargain or keep pushing.

A person also needs to be able to understand and freely choose what’s happening. Someone who is asleep, unconscious, or too affected by alcohol or drugs to do that can’t consent. Don’t go ahead with sexual contact.

Boundaries in a healthy relationship

A healthy relationship includes respect, honesty, independence and equality. You can have other friends and interests, and spend time apart. Sex is a choice, and a healthy relationship can exist without it.

You can set limits around touch and sex. A partner who respects those limits doesn’t make you feel bad for having them. For example, “I’d like to hold you, but I don’t want sex” sets a clear limit.

When pressure becomes control

Sexual coercion can mean wearing someone down by asking again and again, making them feel guilty, threatening to end the relationship, or using power over their job or home. Unwanted sex can be coercion even without physical force. The person putting on the pressure is responsible.

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to control someone. It can include cutting you off from friends, controlling your money, checking your messages or tracking where you go. Abuse can happen in any relationship. It doesn’t have to leave a visible injury before you get support.

Contraception and pregnancy are your decisions

Reproductive coercion means controlling someone’s choices about contraception, fertility or pregnancy. It includes stopping someone getting contraception, lying about birth control, forcing a pregnancy, and forcing or blocking an abortion or fertility treatment. This behaviour may be part of a wider pattern of abuse.

If this is happening to you, think about talking to a clinician or an abuse support service when it’s safe. You could say, “Someone is interfering with my contraception, and I need to talk about my options in private.” Before you explain more, ask how the service will handle your information.

Seeking help on a phone or computer

Someone who can get into your phone or computer may be able to see the websites you visit. Clearing your browsing history can’t guarantee every trace is gone. The US Office on Women’s Health suggests that a library computer or a friend’s phone may be safer for getting help.

Ask a support service to help you think about safety before you make changes or leave. The NHS advises being careful who you tell about plans to leave, so the person abusing you doesn’t find out where you’re going. You don’t need a full plan before you get in touch.

Contact support or medical care

Call 999 now in the UK, 911 in the US, or your local emergency number if you are in immediate danger. For support before an emergency, talk to a GP or a domestic abuse service in the UK, your doctor or the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US, or a local service elsewhere.

In the UK, Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline supports women experiencing domestic abuse on 0808 2000 247, day or night. In the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 800.799.SAFE (7233), text START to 88788 or use its live chat. Choose a way to get in touch that’s safe for you.

After a recent sexual assault, contact a sexual assault referral centre or urgent medical service as soon as you can in the UK, a hospital or sexual assault care service in the US, or a local medical service elsewhere.

Get an urgent medical check now from these services if you may have been exposed to HIV. Ask about medicine to prevent HIV, and don’t wait for a routine appointment. Medical care can deal with injuries and worries about pregnancy or STIs. UK referral centres can help even if you haven’t decided whether to report it to the police.